I love movies.
I know, judging by my complete lack of cinematic viewing this year you may call that into question, but to be honest I have been catching up on old films.
But back to the main point. I love lovies so much that I really hate it when films pander to a stupid audience, especially when the film is trying to be high brow.
So here is my top ten list of things I hate movies for doing (random order).
1) When a movie has it's character/s living through multi generations, why oh why do they insist on keeping the same hair style?
Are we as an audience to believe that the character never thought to themselves that a hair style change is in order.
I know there are stupid people who need as many clues as possible, but really.
Am I really to believe that Laura Brown would not have hacked off her hair in her lesbian rebellion? PLEASE! She would have run off and gotten a new do...she would have cut that masn right out of her hair.
Sure it s easier to suspend belief for men, but women.
I am sure there were some artisitc reasons for the fact that in about 70 years Briony never once changed her hairstlye, but come on...She would have at least gotten rid of the clip!
2) You are home alone. It is dark and the house is big. There are no pets about, the windows are closed and there isn't a storm. You hear a noice upstairs/down the hall/in the basement. What do you do?
You sure as hell do not call out "Is there anyone there?"! Are you mad...of course someone/thing is there. Shouting out that phrase is just giving away your location. May as well just kill yourself and save her/him/it the hassle.
Please movies...stop doing this.
The worst is when you hear someone/thing call your name. I would think you are pretty sure as shit there is someone there. No one in their right mind would ever reply "is there anyone there?", we would run silently (screaming would also give away your wear abouts)...we have all seen the movie.
3) In the same vein as number 2. Why do people always have to go out an investigate a strange noise. Never ever go out an investigate a noise. The only time I have ever gone out in the dark to investigate a noise was the time my cat ran away and I thought I heard her. I couldn't find her and quickly went back in.
And for the record these are noises you can easily write off: Dog barking, tree branch against window, rustling in the bushes, basically any noise that can easily be written off.
If you hear something stranger, you turn off all the lights, grab a knife, go to a room that has easy access to an escape route and wait.
4) If you hear a strange noise outside, or inside, turn off all the lights. Pull the circuit breaker. If they are outside and it is night you are not going to be able to see them with the lights-a-blaring. Turn them off, the moonlight will light up the outside and he/she/it cannot see where you are hiding.
If they are inside, well who knows your house better than you...you can make your way in the dark they can't. Simple logic.
5) In make over movies, the ugly girl who gets transformed needs to be seen as unattractive. An oversized jumper, ponytail and classes do not an ugly girl make. One of the few films that did this transformation brilliantly was '
Stricktly Ballroom'. Fran went from geek to chic ever so subtly you hardly noticed.
6) This for my
partner who hates it with a passion when they say the movie title in the movie. We are not talking about a movie like 'Moulin Rouge!' or 'Juno' when the title is a place or a characters name. We are talking lines like "..I'm just a Girl, Interrupted" or "What if this is as Good as it Gets?".
Doesn't piss me off nearly as much though.
7) In a rom/com, we all know that when you have two people who are polar opposites to each other, and start off hating each other, they are going to end up falling in love. Find a new angle people...it becomes so obvious right from the begining. Most of can plot it out from the premise alone.
8) Back to horror for a second. If you look at some of the most successful horror.scary movies of all time, they all have one thing in common. They are pretty gore-free. Nothing is more frightening then an imagination!
If I even think about 'The Haunting' (1960's), 'The Blair Witch Project' or 'The Exorcist' I pee myself a little. These are movie I unfortunately took home with me. Even the original 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' was pretty gore-free, and I still had to turn it off....the suspense was literally killing me. So note to Hollywood: With Horror, less is always more.
9) Crazy physco killers in real life never ever monologue...they just kill you. Physco babble is just a plot devise to allow the hero a chance to escape. Re-think this please.
10) 'The Untouchables' was good because the little girl got blown to smithereens. In disaster films and horror films, and action films where you have involved children know this: kids are just as likely to get killed as adults are. A childs body is upsetting but also makes a film believable. The only real time you see dead children is in war films. You know, in a horror film when the homicidal maniac has broken into the house and killed mummy, daddy, big sister and grand pa but left the 7 year old in the closet holding the baby? That ain't gonna happen in real life. Don't get me started about babies!
So there is my rant. These are the things I love to hate about movies. What I roll my eyes about when they occure. What do you hate?
Adapted from the Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon comic call Preacher, it follows small town preacher called Jessie Custer.
