My final self-absorbed words

Ok. I am not going to dwell on this. I will not speculate as to why. It is not my business, only that of his friends and family. I will also not go on and on for weeks about how strangely and deeply this has affected me.

I have been trying to understand why this is so and a lot of it has to do with “Brokeback Mountain” of course. Not only was this one of the first mainstream gay romances, but also the best that I can think of.

Jake Gyllenhall and Heath created two living, breathing characters that the liberal side of the audience could stand behind, and the conservative could be educated by. For me they represented the gay men and women without a voice who came before me, and still (scarily so) exist today. These two straight actors were brave in their choice of taking these two roles. With so many actors shying away for these types of roles in fear of killing their career or worse yet being gossiped about, Heath and Jake fearlessly took them.

For two young, good looking heart throbs to take all that on is fearless and had endeared them to me for life. To me they were more heroic than some out gay actors. They were not fae, and did not speak with a lisp and know how to sew and decorate, they were just men who loved each other in a world that did not want them to. Finally a depiction of gay men free of stereotype.

I wish I could have thanked them personally, especially Heath, for what they did. When you are moved by an actor it is usually due to a performance that resonates inside you, and affects you in ways you were not prepared for. It leaves you with feelings of love for that person.

The death of a person you loved will always hurt however trivial or superficial that love was. In a scenario like this you always question your feelings because you had no personal involvement in their life. Also when they are young like Heath is it gives you a sobering realization of mortality.
Last night I felt like a drama queen. I was not a family or friend, or a co worker even. I had never met him so why these feeling of mourning? Now I understand.
Now to end my self involvement.

My thoughts are with his family and friends who not only have to deal with the death of a loved one, and the questions surrounding it. They also have to deal with all of those complex feelings in a media whirlwind.

Which brings me on to the ugly of this sad situation.

I have not seen the picture of the actor on the stretcher, and I hope I never do. All the gawkers outside the apartment should feel ashamed for taking picture and creating a crowd. His mother has not even seen him are there they are, recording this very private scene for their own personal gain. Sometimes human behaviour disgusts me to the core.

And for the last time I visited the website of Perez Hilton (which I refuse to link to). Already there are conspiracies and sad articles about how his private and possibly fabricated sufferings. There are those people in the world who love the misery of others, sadly Perez Hilton gives them a leader.
As an out gay man who is proud and free, I am ashamed to have this person as a public representative of that queer part of me.

Time for us all to find better sources of entertainment. *

A young man has died and people are grieving and here is Perez, this thing, gaining publicity for himself and his site out of this tragedy. The ugly side of people never fail to upset me.
Of course he is not the only one gaining financial rewards out of this, and maybe it is unfair to pick on him solely. There are loads of magazines and gossip rags getting A LOT out of this.
Only in this fucked up world can a persons death be seen as a money making opportunity.
Sick.
The thought of someone making money out the my grief for my loved ones lost would turn me into an Uma Thurman/Kill Bill revenge seeking killing machine.

Here is hoping this ugly side of the media will be shielded from Heaths friends and family as they grieve.
Here is hoping that they are able to heal privately.
And here is hoping certain media outlets gain a soul.
Finally here is hoping that through the coming media circus, Heath Ledger is able to rest in peace.



* Perez does represent a queer voice about celebrities, fashion and music, but there are other queer alternatives:

For a funnier and far less malicious source of celebrity going ons, go to Pink is the New Blog.

All the celebrity fashion, hair and makeup fiascos you can handle can be found in a much wittier and less school yard bully style on Go Fug Yourself.

And finally for a queer perspective on new and exciting music, I cannot recommend Arjan Writes enough.

Go fourth and browse.