'Twilight' Abridged

Every month, the best movie magazine 'Total Film' does an abridged script. This time they did one that make me laugh and laugh. I have read 'Twilight' but stayed away from the movie for this exact reason.

So bloody funny.

FADE IN:

EXT. WASHINGTON

KRISTEN STEWART goes to FORKS, WASHINGTON and is INSTANTLY POPULAR at her new school.

ANNA KENDRICK
Oh my God I love your hair you're so pretty will you be my new best friend?

GREGORY TYREE BOYCE
Can I take you out sometime since you're so awesome?

KRISTEN STEWART
I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl's pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren't well-written characters supposed to have flaws?

Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON enters. The paleness of him and his family members reach blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theater reach deafening levels.

KRISTEN STEWART
Who's the albino Wolverine?

ANNA KENDRICK
Oh, him? That's Robert. He's universally acknowledged as the hottest boy in school but he doesn't date anyone because no girl is good enough for him.

KRISTEN STEWART
No girl is good enough for him, eh? Let’s see if that’s still the case in ten minutes

KRISTEN sits next to ROBERT

KRISTEN STEWART
Hey, your eyes are changing color from gorgeous to ultragorgeous. What's going on?


ROBERT PATTINSON
I totally love you. But you should know, I'm a vampire. And not a badass vampire, but an emo bitch vampire/

KRISTEN STEWART
The only way I will believe you is if you carry me up a mountain using special effects from the 70s.

He DOES.

KRISTEN STEWART
You are a vampire! How old are you?

ROBERT PATTINSON
Over a hundred, but to be fair I've spent most of that time working on my hair.

The two of them GAZE into each other's eyes forever. Eventually ROBERT and KRISTEN go to visit ROBERT'S FAMILY.

INT. GLASS MANSION

KRISTEN meets ROBERT'S VAMPIRE FAMILY.

PETER FACINELLI
Welcome! Don’t let me effeminate appearance mislead you. There must be something special about you for Robert to risk the lives of his family. Tell us about yourself.

PETER FACINELLI
Vampire baseball. Want to watch?

KRISTEN STEWART
Actually, as it happens, the very last thing on Earth I or any other sane person would want to watch is vampire baseball, but go ahead.

They play vampire baseball, which is stupid as it sounds. The game attracts the attention of some EVIL VAMPIRES. They Ttck KRISTEN but ROBERt and his FAMILY save her.

INT. HOSPITAL

KRISTEN is with ROBERT.

ROBERT PATTINSON
I we should break up. To keep you safe.

KRISTEN STEWART
From vampires?

ROBERT PATTINSON
No, from being typecast forever after this series is done. I'm screwed, but it's not too late for you.

KRISTEN STEWART
No. I want you to make me a vampire.

ROBERT PATTINSON
So, the next generation of young women are currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.

KRISTEN STEWART
I love you. Put a baby in me.

ROBERT PATTINSON
At least the other three books can't possibly be more misogynistic and depressing.

They ARE.
END