Friday, 25 September 2009

That 'Barbie' movie

So Universal is going to make a Barbie movie.
The producer of ‘Julie and Julia’ is behind the film, and this will be her first major screen outing (if you don’t count ‘Toy Story 2”).
There are so many ways this film can go, complete kiddie fair where either Barbie learns a lesson (hair straighteners damage, peroxide burns, having your ribs removed for such a tiny waist hurts), or Barbie falls in love – Awweeeeee.

I would love to see something a little left of centre, for after all, this is Barbie…..she is ridiculous if you really think about her. She is no Lisa Lionheart.

Perhaps a premise where Barbie enters the real world and, instead of being worshipped by hordes of little girls and (ahem) boys – not me! (he lies), she is instead mocked for her nylon hair and inability to put her feet flat.
She tries to cheer herself up shopping, but is disheartened by the fact that none of the clothes in the stores fit her hips and her non existent waist.
She has to buy ultra stretchy shirts from the children’s department which do not come in glitter, sequins or fur and she is forced to buy an extra long poncho.
Things go horribly wrong when she has her first physical. At first the Dr. is perplexed by her lack of nipples and belly button, then when the vaginal and rectal exam takes place, he immediately places her into a research lab and to be studied for the rest of her life.

Or perhaps they can now combine the ‘Masters of the Universe’ movie that Sony has picked up.

Barbie escapes from the research facilty and ends up in Eternia somehow (falls down a manhole - love that term *tee hee*) and must battle with He-Man to get to the castle to find the Sorceress who is held captive by Skeletor, free her so she can transform Barbie into a real girl (and at least a size 6).

At this point Barbie and He-Man have fallen in love – she has developed a fetish for big steroid muscle men with page boy haircuts.
However with her new nipplelatas and va jay jay, she suddenly begins to get urges, and poor genital-less He-Man can’t deliver, plus she has a competitor for He-Man’s affection. Cue bitch fight with Teela.

All ready for a very dramatic sequel I say. Will He-Man get his junk or instead choose a life of climaxless rubbing with Teela? Will Barbie be able to deal with her new man being a strong hunk of testosterone one minute and nerdy muscle queen the next who insists of wearing pink, which is HER signature colour (Damn you Shelby!!)?

On a personal note, I used to make my friends Barbie new clothes out of curtain fabric sample books.

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